Catch a Wave

Let me start by saying this... my brother and I have always been competitive. And I guess that by using the tired narrative device of “Let me start by saying this...” I may have lost you already. But, please, stick with me.  

When we were kids, John and I used to race to see who could not put on our pajamas faster. Rushing from the drawers where they were located to the bathroom where we would brush our teeth back to our He-Man and the Masters of the Universe sleeping bags. Whoever could get there quickest would be the champion for the night.  

I would win most nights. Maybe all of them. Who’s gonna argue? John’s not writing this piece.  

That somehow leads us to a gigantic cruise ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean... 

One other important detail, John has had several surgeries on his right eye. They worked and worked to keep his retina attached. This was largely unsuccessful leaving him with very limited sight (if any) in that eye and concern from his parents (rightly so) about the possibility of losing the other one. This didn’t slow John down but did change the perception of his abilities.  

All fun, slightly depressing details that will become important. Another overused writing device... obvious FORESHADOWING!  

On the back of some cruise ships, they have surfing machines. (Am I 400 years old? Surfing machines?)  It’s called a FlowRider. Cruisedeals.expert (a classy website, I’m sure) has this to say about the contraption: 

A FlowRider is a 40-foot-long surf simulator constructed on dry land, or in the case of Royal Caribbean ships, a free attraction located on the deck at the rear of the vessel. A FlowRider wave is formed by water rushing upwards at 40kph, mimicking the feel of the ocean surf. 

(That’s 24.8548 mph for those of you not on the metric system. I know. I Googled it.) 

After long and somewhat deliberate conversation within the family, it was decided that John could try the boogie board version of this. Questions were asked. Safety was inquired about. The kids running the show took John under their wing. And they were fantastic.  

They rode right beside him. He laughed and rode and had one of the best times that I’ve ever seen John have. Not to get too sentimental but when John accomplishes something that he or especially others don’t think he’ll be able to do, it’s an amazing accomplishment. A day for celebration. While some of the other guests might have gotten upset at how long it took the cruise team to get him set up and extending their wait or giving John a little bit longer on the waves—taking them longer to get into the water themselves—there was no animosity whatsoever. Excitement truly prevailed. They were not only not mad, they cheered him on, this weeble wobble of a man.  

I thought, “well... damn. He made it look easy.” I, being the loving brother that I am, must destroy the memory of my sibling, salt the earth and spread the word of my greatness. It's what any good family member would do.  

It’s in the Bible.  

Check it out. 

I can’t remember the specific passage or page off top. Sorry. 

So... I hop in the line for this manmade surfing construct. This is going to end so well... Said no one. Ever.  

One of the guys in front of me is a ringer. Has to be. He hops on the board provided by Royal Caribbean and... goes... off. He flips around on the board. Jumps into the air. Zigzags left and right, to and fro. You name it. He did it.  

I thought, “well... damn. He made it look easy.” And now, I’ll show him.  

The time arrives. And I take the board. I plunge the faux wood short longboard into the foam created by the water throttled at my being.  

I want to say that I took to this activity like a duck to... well... water. I want to say that without knowing what I was doing I switch stances, kickflipped and tail slid with the best of them. I want to say that the crowd jumped to their feet cheering as they had never seen a first-timer be so successful at riding the waves.  

A literary reference comes to mind... (Another overused device. How meta!)  

But there is no joy in Mudville—mighty Casey has struck out. 

In reality, I looked like a 250lb newborn foal who, instead of being birthed on dry land, was instantaneously sent onto the roughest of seas and told that I would need to run before I could walk. Immediately I plunged forward in front of the board and it flew backward into the wall with me to follow shortly. The crew must have felt bad for me as they placed me right back into the water rather than moving onto the next victim. 

Now that I think about it, maybe they were just having a laugh... 

I made a second attempt and stood on that board and wobbled back and forth and stood up about four times as long! Which probably came out to something like 6 or so seconds.  

Endless Summer, thy name is Brandon. 

I got out of the water, kept my head held high and waited until I got back to the room before breaking down in tears. Like a real man. 

What is the moral of the story? Sheesh. I’m hard pressed to put a fancy cap on this one. Let’s see... 

Sometimes you feel beaten down. Sometimes you feel like nothing is going right. Like you can’t get anything right. When this happens, stand up and brush yourself off. Think of me getting my butt handed to me by my loveable but cycloptic brother.  

Remember me and my failures and think to yourself, “well... damn. He made it look easy. I can do better than that at least.” 

Also, I love you, John! You’re doing great! 

~ Brandon L. Joyner